I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
