I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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