My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
