I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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