I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
