New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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