Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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