Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
