wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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