party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm really busy with my period
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