Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
