The best revenge is premature balding
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
