I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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