If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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