if you like me you must not know who I am
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
