we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
