The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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