If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
