I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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