I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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