Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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