She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
