I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize