i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
