I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
