So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
