You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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