I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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