i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I had to cum in my sink.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
