I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
