She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it glows. i had to have it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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