the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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