she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
