Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Maybe he injected his testicle?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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