I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize