I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
