Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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