I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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