I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
