Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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