shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
