How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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