we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize