Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
