Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
