I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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