I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
