I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
