girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
