A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
