Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
