So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
