She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
