officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
