My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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