the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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