i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
