"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
